New To Queer Dating
When I talk to clients who are new to the dating pool, or who have recently come out and are swimming in a new dating pool, sometimes this fear come up:
“I don’t want people to feel like I’m using them, but I’m not sure what I want yet.”
I hear you.
When we’re entering into a new dating pool, we can become like kids in a candy store. We have decided to buy candy, we know we want candy, but we don’t know what flavor suits our taste buds best. We want to sample around and see what feels like a fit. We want to learn more about our preferences before we decide if we’ll be going for sour gummies or dark chocolate.
And you know what?
That is totally okay.
My main advice for where to begin when you don’t know what you want (or who you want) is to focus on these two questions:
1) How do you want your future dates (and future partners) to make you feel?
2) How do you want to make your future dates (and future partners) feel?
There’s a ton to learn about dating and relationships, but those two questions are the most important to get clear on from the get go.
When I get ready to hang out with someone new, I know how I want someone to make me feel AND I never expect that from a first date. It’s like I keep those words in my back pocket, and if someone gives me a glimpse of that, my ears perk up.
I go in focused on how I make them feel, open to the ways in which we might positively impact each other in our brief time together, and the rest of me is just ready to be surprised.
And if they *ping* my feeling words…
I lean in.
I want to see them again.
But a second date is never how I evaluate the success of a first date.
A first date is successful if I learn about them, learn about me, and hopefully enjoy our time together regardless of the outcome.
So allow yourself to take the pressure off.
You can go in without all of the information.
But go into it remaining curious, kind, and honest.
First dates can be a great way to learn about you, what you want, and who and what makes you feel the way you want to feel.
Because you don’t need to learn how to do a fancy jump off the diving board in order to get into the fucking pool. You just need to step in.
