How do we stop defaulting to heteronormativity when our sexuality allows for that?
A note on language for this piece: Gender and sexual orientation feel bigger than we have words for. For example “queer dating” vs. “straight dating” feels like a false dichotomy. I dated a cishet man for three years and was pained when folks thought I was straight. Pained, I tell you!!
I tried toying around with lots of different language for this article that felt both clear and applicable and not offensive, and truth be told, I couldn’t find it! “Queer dating” vs “straight dating” or “not as queer dating” all felt like it was erasing some folks’ identities, or ignoring straight trans folks. Nothing felt right.
So for this article, I’ll use the term “circle” for dating/relationships among two folks (or more folks!) who are both not cis-het (two LGBTQIA+ folks), and the term “square” for dating/relationships where one partner is cis-het and the relationship seems heteronormative. (Side note- If you are a cis bi/queer/pan person who dates other cis bi/queer/pan people who don’t have the same gender as you, you may find yourself in a heteronormative “square-like” category. If that feels like conscious choice, do your thing! If it feels like a default that you want to adjust, take what feels useful in this article, and leave the rest!)
Queerness and gender exist on a spectrum, and today they exist in shapes!
A lot of folks come to me who want to start prioritizing circle dating as opposed to defaulting to square dating, so I wanted to talk a bit about my journey with that because I hear you, I am with you, and I was you.
My Story
My senior year of college, as I was happily in a square relationship, until a little freshman Bi-Babe (also on this email list, hello!) came into school and kind of rocked my world. I was very interested in them. Only occasionally had I wondered if I was queer, but didn’t take it too seriously at the time (upon reflection I was a GAY KID but couldn’t recognize that until after I came out).
But this person really caught my eye. I felt really nervous in front of them. Intrigued by them. My seemingly flowing, established social skills felt like they short circuited a bit in their presence. Was it time to seriously look at circle stuff? Perhaps.
Fast forward, I wound up ending square relationship. (But also square relationship is in a circle relationship now and on this email list too, hello!)
Making out with Bi-Babe at a party for hours in front everyone we knew started my journey of circle sex stuff, but not coming to terms with my own sexuality. And part of me really felt like, if I hadn’t fallen in love with my straight best friend, who I was also hooking up with, I probably wasn’t queer! (In retrospect, that wasn’t true. Also, it is hard for me to fall in love with straight women!) I just thought circle sex stuff was a fun hobby I had! It was something I did on weekends! Something I did with friends! (Woof…)
(Side note: After I came out, I did reach out to all of the queer folks I hooked up with during this time to apologize- yes, I seriously did this- so if you want to clear your conscience and get the script I used, send me a message!)
Although I prioritized circle sex stuff, for some reason I didn’t take it seriously. Perhaps it was some ingrained homophobia, or maybe it felt too big for me to look at. Maybe it too thoroughly shattered the “perfect” image I had of myself.
But finally after four years of sleeping around, with Bi-Babe and others, one night they looked at me and said, “You actually have to date circularly*.”
(*Edited for inclusion, they didn’t actually name a shape.)
I said out loud, “Really? Do I have to?”
They stayed firm. “Yes.”
And somewhere in me, I felt like they were right. The idea scared me a bit, but in a good way, so I dedicated myself to that.
Two weeks later I moved to Philly for a few months and decided that in Philly (perfectly gay city it is) I would exclusively focus on circle dating. My first night in town I asked my new roommates, “Hey…are you two queer? Or do you know other queer folks?” and I had a date secured with their friend for night two. (I love dating and also don’t like to waste any time!)
It moved quickly and this wound up being my first queer relationship with labels. I learned a lot about what I want, what I like, and how I want to be treated.
But it took someone, Bi-Babe in my case, seriously looking me in the eye, telling me that circle dating was the right next step, in order for me to take it seriously. If you need that permission slip or that push, here it is: do it, babes.
Apply My Story
So I want to break this down a bit. I decided that in order to turn the volume up on circle relationships, I wanted to completely turn the volume down on square relationships. It felt authentic for me to temporarily remove all possible square connections from my radar, in order to give weight and legitimacy to circle connections. I no longer wanted to default to what was familiar.
If that feels authentic to you, try it! For example, you can tell your friends to try to set you up! Or prioritize making friendships and connections with other queer folks! Or don’t swipe for squares for a bit! See what happens when you fully put your energy into the new thing, into the scariness and the wonder and the anxiety and the imposter syndrome and the fear and the doubt of it all.
All of those feelings are totally normal and totally okay. You are not alone.
Although dealing with our sexuality and other people’s feelings should not feel like ~an experiment~, how you go about finding the people that are in line with the vision you have for yourself can be.
Stick with short reversible experiments. If you eliminate squares from your swiping, you can always add them back! If you go on dates with circle folks and are missing squares, then turn up the volume for squares a bit.
Only you’ll know the balance that feels right to you and whether you are acting out of a fear of doing the new thing, or in integrity of doing what feels good.
A past queer therapist of mine referred to this time as our “queer adolescence”. With or without starting hormones, we can really feel like we’re going through a sexual awakening, a second puberty of sorts. (I often still feel like I’m in my queer adolescence, still figuring out what I like, still so thrilled to be here. The magic and discovery of circular loving doesn’t need to end!)
You can allow this time to be just as awkward as your first puberty. It’s okay if you don’t know exactly what to say or what ~does it~ for you and your body.
The best advice I can give to those of you prioritizing circle connections for the first time, is to approach this adolescence with curiosity and openness. You can be honest about where you are at, and see dating as a learning experience in this way. Yes, to learn about more about them, but as with all dating, to also to learn more about you.
And remember, you don’t have to go at it alone.
Craving someone to help you navigate your queer adolescence? Reach out and let’s chat.
